Just one ordinary mom , just one ordinary day

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The what ifs in life.

on January 3, 2013

When I was pregnant with N my mom asked me if I could go back and change the way I did things would I? She wasnt asking to be hurtful , she was asking because she wanted me to be in a better situation then I was.
My answer then was no. If I could change the past I stilll wouldn’t have the choices I made made me the person who I was then .
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if i had persued my love of music. I wonder if i would have gone to college or university if I had not gotten pregnant. I wonder if i would have travelled to all. The places i would love to go . I wonder what it would be like to still have my “freedom” so to speak.
I look at my life and see the mountain of laundry , the endless dishes, the toys scattered everywhere and I wonder how different my life could have been if only I had made that one different choice.
Sometimes I feel like the choices I made make me insignificant and obsolete. I am a stay at home Mom . I clean, I cook, I run all the errands, I do the finances, make the docotrs appointments. I feel sometimes like I am in this neverending cycle of monotony.
I think of the what ifs and wonder if I could have made a difference. I wonder if my life would have had more meaning. If i could have be come something.
I look into the future and I see myself doing all the samethings I do today for the next 30+years. Is this really what I wanted? Will i really be stuck in this “rut” for the rest of my life? Doing this thankless job that everyone looks down on ?
Once i get over my little pity party. I realize that my answer is still no. I look around and see how full my life is. I have a husband who loves me , who puts a roof over our heads. I have five wonderful children who pay with love and kisses and hugs all day long. My job is not thankless is rewards in so many different ways . When you get to see your child have that ah ha moment you see that the things you have been teaching are taking root and that they are succeeding.
Just becuase I didnt persue my music doesnt mean thatI cant share with my children. I can cultivate a love for it in them.
When i look to the future and see my self doing this day in day out I know its not a rut. Its temporary . One day they eill move out and have families of their own and I will wish that they were little again.
I also know that I am not insignificant and obsolete. My life does have meaning and purpose. Forget that what if’s . I think my job is one of the most important jobs out there. I am raising the next generation .

E

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2 responses to “The what ifs in life.

  1. sweetdiaryofmine says:

    Mothering is still the most important, and most undervalued, job out there. Great post 🙂

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